I Kissed You Twice?
Dear Self,
The Kissing Story
Earlier this year, (2025) I reconnected with a childhood friend and heard some astonishing news.
I kissed him.
Twice.
I kissed this boy TWICE and have no memory of it.
How is that even possible? How could I not remember kissing someone?
I knew this friend (let’s call him Nate) during middle school and high school, a particularly eventful time in my life. Nate and I were doing the usual high school reunion talk- how have you been? what have you been doing since high school? where do you live now? until he dropped a bomb on me- his feelings.
Nate: You are all I thought about for four years. I had the biggest crush on you.
Me: Oh, really? Why didn’t you just tell me you liked me?
Nate: I did, multiple times. We kissed twice but you weren’t into it. You were my first, real heartbreak.
Me: I kissed you twice?? Shit.
He clued me in on all the details, like when the kisses happened and where we were at the time. All I was thinking was shit, shit, shit. I knew exactly what happened.
Trauma-Related Dissociation
Dissociation gets a bad reputation, which is quite unfair because it saves lives. In extreme cases, it can lead to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), but for the purpose of this post, I will be focusing on trauma-related dissociation only.
what is it?
Dissociation is a survival response (the freeze state in fight, flight, or freeze) where the mind disconnects from overwhelming experiences to cope.
Dissociation is an unconscious defense mechanism that creates emotional distance to survive painful moments, abuse, severe stress, and trauma that without dissociation, would overwhelm us.
You know how animals play dead when they are threatened but are unable to fight back or escape? The same thing happens to humans- the mind severs connections from the rest of the body to survive the perceived threat. This is dissociation.
what causes it?
The root cause is trauma, especially early childhood trauma. Dissociation can also occur after the trauma ended if you are triggered by situations that seem similar to the original threat. Some common triggers of dissociation are sensory-based (i.e. smells, sounds, sights, touch) and people/situations in present day that remind you of the trauma.
what does it look like?
Memory loss- missing details of an experience or an entire experience
Feeling detached from yourself, as if you are watching yourself from outside of your body
Feeling like things are not real; the world tends to feel foggy, distant, or dreamlike
Flashbacks- relieving a painful experience where sensations are so intense, that it feels like the experience is happening now
Numbness- feeling physically or emotionally numb during stressful situations
Back to the Kissing Story…
Why would I dissociate when kissing Nate? It is an age-appropriate, consensual kiss with a friend- there’s nothing traumatic about that.
True, this moment was not abusive in any way, but touch was historically traumatic for me, and thus, I responded the same way I responded to previous touch- by dissociating. Let me set the stage for you a little bit. By the time of the kiss in 8th grade:
I had gone through cancer treatment- years of chemotherapy, four major surgeries, multiple spinal tap procedures
My response to the medical procedures? Dissociate.
I had grown up in a domestic violence home where I witnessed my father’s verbal and emotional abuse, lived in various different homes with family and friends/hotels to escape when my father’s anger turned into physical abuse, and saw police cars parked on my driveway as if we were throwing a block party every weekend.
My response to the family chaos? Dissociate.
I had been sexually abused for years by someone who lived in my home; someone who I could not escape.
My response to being trapped by my abuser? Dissociate.
I had been in and out of court, held in a jail cell, sent to some sketchy home in Texas for dysfunctional families, and forced to live with my abusive father after my mother lost custody,
My response to more family chaos? Dissociate.
The dissociation pattern was well established within me by the time I hit eighth grade. I didn’t stand a chance being present for an innocent kiss with a friend. I explained a little about my situation with Nate and assured him that my lack of memory had everything to do with me being in a perpetual state of stress, and nothing to do with him or the kiss itself.
The Shame Spiral
As most trauma survivors know, there’s no trauma without shame. Shame always shows up, often disguised as something else, but there nonetheless. For me, shame showed up in my thoughts and sounded a lot like shit…
Johnna’s stream of consciousness, shame spiral, shit thoughts:
Holy shit, how could I not remember kissing somebody twice? Maybe once, but TWICE?? How could I be that dissociated? Am I that screwed up? Was my life even that bad to warrant this much dissociation? What else did I do that I don’t remember? Thank God it was just kissing… And shit, what about Nate! I can’t believe my trauma response hurt him. I probably just killed his self-esteem. He probably thinks he wasn’t good enough or memorable enough. I feel so bad. Shit. What should I do? I already apologized, but that’s not enough. That can’t be enough. Should I send him a card? No, that’s weird, Johnna. Don’t do that, for the love , please don’t send him one of your colored cards. Shit. Shit. Shit.
For Nate-
Nate, if you are reading this blog post, then please remember three things:
I am so sorry that I hurt you when I was in survival mode. I wish I could have articulated that in eighth grade and saved you from years of heartache and confusion.
You deserve a partner who can be fully present with you in every intimate moment. My inability to be present is not your fault or a reflection of yourself.
Aren’t you at least glad my stress response is freeze, and not fight? I mean, I just dissociated but shit, I could have kicked you in the…..
Conclusion
Dissociation starts to feel scary when someone is talking about something you did in the past that you have no memory of. It’s normal to freak out about this, but shaming yourself for it is useless. You didn’t choose to dissociate. Dissociation is a trauma response that unconsciously happens. As you heal by processing your trauma experiences and regulating your nervous system, you will start to feel safe in your body and dissociation will lessen. It’s okay to apologize to the people you hurt while in survival mode. It’s okay to forgive yourself and allow yourself to heal too.
Healing from trauma-related dissociation is possible. It’s often done in trauma therapy through processing traumatic events, triggers, and responses, engaging in grounding exercises, regulating your nervous system, and emotional regulation. You deserve to heal.
xoxo,
Self
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