New Year’s Resolutions & Other Toxic Things
Dear Self,
By now you have probably heard of the 75 HARD CHALLENGE, and you may have already completed it or attempted to complete it at various points in time.
If you are unsure, here’s a summary of what it entails. The 75 HARD CHALLENGE is advertised as a mental toughness program, created in 2019 by Andy Friscella, a public speaker, podcaster, and CEO of a supplement company. For 75 consecutive days, you must:
Follow a diet
choose any structured diet plan
no cheat meals
no alcohol
Complete two 45-minute workouts
one workout must be outside
cannot be back-to-back
Drink a gallon of water
Read 10 pages of a Nonfiction Book
Must be self-help or personal growth
no audiobooks
Take a progress photo
and if you fail to complete any of these five tasks every single day, you must start over at day 1. It is quite popular for people to begin this challenge at the beginning of the year when New Year Resolutions and New Year, New You buzz words are ringing in your ears.
You know who loves 75 HARD CHALLENGES?
Perfectionists
Self-punishers
All-or-nothing thinkers
Rule-followers with a rigid mindset
Years ago I would have just ate this shit up.
A new challenge? A socially-acceptable way to punish myself? Something new to direct my ALL-IN, perfectionistic energy towards? Yes, please! Sign me up for that!
Now, let’s be clear: There is nothing wrong with this challenge. It is not bad or good. I do not hate it, nor do I love it. I do not have a problem with anyone who chooses to engage in it.
Let’s also be clear that this challenge was not created by a psychologist or a therapist with your individual needs in mind, so if you feel discouraged by this challenge and constantly fail, that may be why.
It’s Not Just About 75 HARD
Shifting beyond this particular challenge, we can see a similar pattern within New Year Resolutions and just being a human at this time of year- two days before January 1st. The research for creating resolutions is not compelling; 80-90% of people give up on their resolutions, with 23% quitting in the first week and 43% by the end of January.
Why Don’t Resolutions Work?
Think about typical resolutions: lose weight, stop smoking, quit alcohol, stop buying coffee out….. they’re just so negative and depressing. I don’t exactly jump for joy thinking about any of these. Resolutions also tend to be unrealistic, used with an all-or nothing mentality, and vague without any concrete plan.
What I do Instead
I stopped making resolutions five years ago after learning about the research and instead, I focus on intentions. I set aside time during December for self-reflection. I look at various categories of my life (examples of categories include career, health and wellness, parenting, marriage/romantic relationships, friendships, personal growth, house/home improvement, hobbies, finances, travel, etc.) to notice what is going well and what needs improvement. Within each category, I make a list of intentions for the upcoming new year on my phone (I use the notes app because that is something I use and see daily). There isn’t anything shame-like on my list; it truly is just a list of what I intend to do. After that is complete, I share my intentions with a couple of trusted friends for accountability and encouragement. Lastly, and I think this is the most important, I am interacting with my intentions throughout the year. I am regularly reading them, checking items off as I complete them, and making plans for when I will complete various items. This is not a set it and forget it type of exercise.
You do not have to do it my way, because this is what works for ME and it may not work for you. As you consider what will work for you, keep a few things in mind.
Setting realistic goals is key. We have to know who we are and who we are not. Only write down intentions that you can realistically put time and energy into this next year.
There is no place for the all-or-nothing mentality here. If you fail to do your intention during January-April, you can still start doing it in May. If you fail Monday-Thursday, you can start on Friday. Some of what you want is better than none of what you want.
This list of intentions should excite you, not depress you.
Accountability is key- from yourself and others. There has to be some sort of checking-in process, whether that’s tracking your habits, scheduling a monthly reflection meeting on your calendar, or asking a friend to be an accountability partner.
There has to be some type of plan. If the intention is to workout more, then what’s the plan for doing that? When will you workout? How often will you try to workout? What types of workouts will you do? How long will you workout for?
Focus on what you CAN control, not on what you can’t. Lose weight is not a helpful intention because unless I cut off an arm or a leg, I cannot control if I lose weight or not. I can control eating healthy foods, preparing meals at home, reducing emotional eating, going to the gym, or exercising regularly, but I cannot control the number on the scale.
A Little FOMO
(For all the Boomers reading this, FOMO means fear of missing out.)
Yes, I will admit I do get a little FOMO around this time of year when I hear everybody talking about their New Year Resolutions and the new things they plan to start. I love a good challenge and I love the energy of new beginnings, so I decided to put all my toxic perfectionism to good use.
I Made My Own Challenge
The challenge I made is called 31 Days of Self Love. I wanted to begin the year pouring love into myself so that I have a full cup as I take care of others. The challenge outlined below does not come with any rules. I am going to do my best to follow it, but if I miss a day, I will not make myself start over nor will I double up on activities a different day. This is 31 days of love, not stress. If this speaks to you, I invite you to join me.
31 Days of Self Love
Day 1: Cook something you enjoy. Focus on eating mindfully and savoring the flavors.
Day 2: Write a short poem
Day 3: Buy yourself flowers or a plant
Day 4: Set a fitness goal
Day 5: Have a no-screen hour
Day 6: Watch the sunrise or sunset from the window
Day 7: Work on a puzzle
Day 8: Find something that makes you laugh
Day 9: Enjoy a hot drink on the couch
Day 10: Sit quietly and focus on your body for 5 minutes
Day 11: Do 10-15 minutes of yoga
Day 12: Light a candle or diffuse oils
Day 13: Watch a feel good movie or television show
Day 14: Do a meditation
Day 15: Give yourself 3 compliments
Day 16: Create art
Day 17: Dance around the house just for fun
Day 18: Go on a walk in the neighborhood
Day 19: Schedule plans with a friend
Day 20: Wrap up in a cozy blanket and read
Day 21: Make a linen spray for your pillows
Day 22: Enjoy silence or your company while driving today (no music or podcasts)
Day 23: List all the good things that happened today
Day 24: Plan a vacation that would be enjoyable to you
Day 25: Try being unproductive
Day 26: Use a shower steamer
Day 27: Buy yourself a new outfit
Day 28: Learn something new about plants
Day 29: Do a barefoot walk
Day 30: Focus on doing one thing at a time
Day 31: Do something new
If you decide to do the self-love challenge, (in any capacity) I would love to hear how it went! Send me details or pictures in the comments below, on instagram @dearselftraumatherapy, or through email at johnna@dearselftraumatherapy.com.
Happy New Year!
xoxo,
Self
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