I Wasn’t Taught that in My Home
Dear Self,
Regulating emotions is hard because you weren’t taught that in your home. As it turns out, you’re not the only one! Whether you’re a child, middle-aged, or knocking on Heaven’s door, it is never too late to learn healthy emotion regulation skills.
Some Facts about Emotions
Emotions are bursts of chemicals in your brain that ignite and are absorbed into your body within six seconds.
Most emotions will rise up and then fall away within 90 seconds, if you don’t react to them.
You can’t control your emotional responses because they are automatic (like how your stress response, fight or flight, turns on automatically) but you can choose what you think, say, or do in response to the emotions rising up inside of you.
How to Regulate Emotions (in a healthy way)
When you feel your emotions rising up, just notice them without attaching judgement.
I notice I am feeling hurt and disappointment right now, and I can tell I need to cry.
Pause. When difficult emotions come up, the most courageous thing you can do is spend time with them rather than trying to escape or distract.
During the pause period you may notice shifts in your emotional response throughout your body. This is the time to be curious and continue paying attention without judgment.
Some emotions will dissipate naturally, and others will require more attention.
When Emotions Require More Attention
If difficult emotions are lingering, ask yourself this one question:
What do I need right now?
It is your job to understand what your body is trying to tell you and appropriately meet the need in this moment, not what you used to need or what worked last time. Your needs vary from moment to moment, even if it is the same emotion.
Trial and error is often useful here if you are unsure about how to meet your needs. It’s okay to try something and if it doesn’t help, try something else. There’s no prize for getting it right on the first try.
What NOT To Do
Make a drink
Open the fridge
Smoke
Literally anything on your phone
Turn on the TV
Overthink
Hurt yourself
Judge yourself
Shame yourself
Overwork
Tips and Tricks
It can be helpful to brainstorm what regulates you when you are NOT experiencing heightened emotions. Having a tangible list of ideas (maybe on your phone because you always have that with you) sets you up for success during tough times.
You can create a self-soothing kit at home full of regulation tools so that the items are available and easily accessible when needed.
Create a smaller on-the-go kit that can easily fit into a handbag or be left in the car. I used a small mason jar to create one for my daughter’s backpack so she can have it handy at school. You could also use a coin purse, repurpose a snack box from your pantry, or a good ol’ fashioned ziplock bag.
Put alarms on your phone to check in with yourself and regulate emotions.
Put reminders throughout your house. I am always in favor of sticky note therapy… I can still remember the days when every window, mirror, door, and appliance had some type of sticky note on it!
Getting Started
If this makes sense to you but you have no idea where to start with regulating activities, here’s a list of ideas to get you started.
Journal
Do breathing exercises
A hug (self-hug or from a supportive person)
Play with your pets
Pray or do a meditation
Listen to soothing sounds/music
Art (paint, color, draw, etc.)
Bath or shower, with warm or cold water
Schedule an appointment with your therapist
Movement (walking, stretching, yoga, lifting weights, running, pilates, etc.)
Take a nap
Clean something
Organize something
Visit a friend
Go outside and notice nature
Do a puzzle or build legos
Read a book
Sing/play an instrument
Dance
Crochet, knit, sew
Photography
Listen to a podcast
Hopefully those ideas will get the juices flowing… and maybe even marinating…
xoxo,
Self