Silence is Sexy

Jan 13

Written By Johnna Harris

Dear Self,

Silence is sexy.

Unless you’ve had a ton of trauma.

Then, silence is not sexy.

Silence is extremely unsexy.

Sitting still in silence when you live with a traumatized nervous system is like being electrocuted under your skin or deep within your soul. You have an electrical current running through your body that prevents you from doing nothing. You’ll pace around the house, eat something, binge watch a show, clean, bite your nails, organize the pantry, or anything but stillness. You never allow yourself to be bored because boredom is a threat, not a minor inconvenience. This is the body’s automatic stress response.

How It Works

Trigger-Activation-Physical Changes Cycle

Trigger: You experience silence, stillness, or boredom, and your body perceives this as a threat to your safety.

Activation: The amygdala in your brain gets activated and signals danger to the rest of your body. Your adrenal glands release adrenaline and cortisol, preparing the body for intense physical action.

Physical Changes: You start to notice physical changes as you enter a fight/flight state such as

Increased heart rate
Quick, shallow breathing
Energy running through your body (the thing that feels like electrocution)
Dilated pupils, tunnel vision
Upset stomach, butterflies, nausea
Sweating or cold, clammy hands
Flushed skin, goosebumps
Muscle tension, trembling, or shaking

This is very uncomfortable. Nobody wants to feel this way, so you learn how to avoid it. If you keep busy, keep moving, and keep noise on, then you don’t have to feel like this. Simple, right?

It’s Simple Until It’s Not

Sure, we can keep ourselves busy and distracted most of the time. We live in a society that makes noise and distraction readily available with a phone attached to our hip. But what about when you want to relax? What about those moments when you are exhausted and you just want to lay down, rest, read a book, or take a break? Wanting stillness but your body forcing you into stimulation is a type of pain some people will never understand. Living like this is exhausting. Your body is constantly on without the rest and recharge it needs to be on.

Your quality of life is limited when you are trapped in this response.

You can’t drive without music or a podcast on.
You can’t sit in silence.
You definitely can’t meditate.
You have to have music or the t.v. on at all times.
You can’t fall asleep in silence.
You can’t take a break when you are tired without scrolling on your phone or distracting yourself in some way.
Even when you do relaxing things like yoga, get a massage, etc. you can’t fully relax.
You are constantly tired.

This Sucks

Living like this sucks, but on top of that, you get shamed for this response because nobody gets it. Everyone tells you to slow down, meditate, do less, schedule more down time… everything you already know and can’t do. Here’s the thing, they are right (mostly).

We all get too busy and caught up in life sometimes. We may notice these signs and then eventually start to take the advice above. For people who generally have a regulated nervous system, slowing down, doing a little less, and meditating works. It’s the pause they need. It’s the break their body needs to feel refreshed and then they are back to their regulated state. For people who generally have a traumatized nervous system, slowing down, doing less, and meditation does not work. These relaxing activities cause the trigger-activation-physical changes cycle (see above) to occur.

Then Comes Shame

First you live inside a traumatized nervous system, then you experience the pain of being unable to relax, followed by judgement from others for being unable to do what you’re supposed to do, and then comes shame.

Eventually, you start to beat yourself up too. You feel abnormal and start to question yourself: Why can’t I just relax? Why can’t I just sit in silence? What’s wrong with me?

Good News

The good news is that this is a trauma response, not a character flaw or personality trait. So, nothing is wrong with you. Your body learned a survival technique to help keep you safe. That’s it.

Everything that was once learned can also be unlearned. At some point(s) in your life, silence and stillness were unsafe and thus, your body responded appropriately by going through the stress response and learning to keep busy. If silence and stillness are no longer unsafe but your body is still responding like it is, we need to show your body that things have changed. I like to refer to this as updating the software. There’s new information available so we have to run the body through an update. Some updates take longer than others.

Updating Your Body’s Software

Here are some ways you can update your body’s software by showing it silence and stillness are safe now.

Gentle self-touch. Place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly to signal warmth and support to your nervous system.
Grounding. Focus on safe sensory details in your environment (i.e. soft fabric you are sitting on, sunlight coming through the window, the warm drink in your hand, smell of the candle, etc.) to anchor you in the present.
Orienting. Slowly look around the room you are in and notice neutral or pleasant details (i.e. trees outside, a picture you like, plants, etc.) to pull your brain out of threat detection mode and into safety mode.
Breathwork. Do your best to slow down your breathing if it is rapid, and focus on long exhales to activate the parasympathetic system.
Mindful Activities. Do your best to focus on the activity you are doing in the moment (i.e. washing the dishes, taking a shower, eating lunch) without added distractions and thoughts.
Meditation. Start small, literally with 1 minute, and then gradually increase as you feel comfortable. Don’t expect your nervous system to be anywhere other than where it is.

Consistently practicing these techniques helps retrain your nervous system. Over time, your body learns that quiet moments are safe, not dangerous. Lastly, please remember one thing: