Let Me Know If You Need Anything
Dear Self,
Please stop saying let me know if you need anything to people who are going through a difficult time. When someone is struggling, they do not know what they need. They cannot give you a coherent, itemized list of what to do because all of their energy is going toward making it through the day. So, please, do not keep asking them questions and then get frustrated when they do not respond.
Just show up and help.
I know that you don’t want to overstep or be overbearing or overreact, but you are going to have to put those insecurities aside to show up for the people you love.
How to show up for people who are struggling
Drop off dinner
Just leave it at their doorstep and text them when it is there. Do not try to go inside and talk to them because they probably do not want to talk to you. They still need to eat and you know they aren’t going to be cooking any food right now, so just drop off the food and go.
Help them clean their house
There is no time or energy for cleaning when you are on the struggle bus, so just remove the weight of this load for them. Do not ask a billion questions about how they want their house cleaned or what cleaning supplies to use. Just leave them alone, look for some rags, and start scrubbing.
Fill their fridge with nutritious food.
Look, they do not have the bandwidth to go grocery shopping, and eating Taco Bell every night is not helping their physical or mental health. If you want to help, just fill their fridge with accessible, easy-to-eat, nutritious foods.
Do their laundry
Just make it disappear for them.
Make them a playlist of good songs
Make them a playlist of good podcasts
Send care packages
You can fill these packages with practical items, thoughtful gifts, and soothing things.
Put reminders of love around their house
Sticky notes never go out of style.
If they want to talk, then listen. If they want advice, then problem-solve with them.
Do not confuse the two, and if you aren’t sure which one they want, just ask. You can say:
How can I support you?
What does support look like right now?
Do you want to share/vent right now or are you looking to problem-solve together?
Would you like to hear thoughts about this topic?
If they do not want to talk, then just be with them.
You can sit next to them, lay next to them, curl up in a ball on the floor with them…. whatever it is they are doing, just be there. A loving, regulated nervous system does far more than you can imagine. There is an abundance of power in your presence.
If you want to master the art of showing up, then you must be willing to face your discomfort. Most people shy away from difficult situations (like funerals) because they are afraid of feeling uncomfortable. Seeing someone in pain will force you to acknowledge your own pain.
It is uncomfortable.
It is vulnerable.
It is messy.
It is showing up.
xoxo,
Self