Always a Weed Wacker, Never a Gardener
Dear Self,
“I grew up in the weeds
with no one and no thing other than myself.
And the methods I used to destroy the weeds do not work for growing roses.
I stand in front of dry terrain, looking for weeds and killing them as they come.
I now realize I’ve never known how to be a gardener, only a weed wacker. ”
You went to Eugene, Oregon with one goal in mind: finish Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy Certification, but within moments after arriving, that goal became the furthest thing from your mind. Eugene created a container for a transformative journey to begin within yourself and your life. I know you are still trying to make sense of the last week, so please let this be a loving place to return to when you feel overwhelmed integrating this transformation.
Lessons Learned in Eugene
about psychedelic-assisted therapy
Plant medicine teaches you to accept what comes your way instead of resisting so damn much.
Plant medicine is a portal to where you are going. The dose of the medicine does not matter as much as your relationship to the medicine.
Ritual is how you mark transition. You can create an altar, or ledge of intention, with sacred objects (i.e. candles, mementos from loved ones, meaningful pictures, written notes, crystals, etc.).
Boundaries are edges of a container. Without them, there would be no container.
The best way to support someone on a healing journey is to be present with a regulated nervous system.
about yourself
You’ve had to fight so hard to stay alive, so letting go feels like dying and holding on feels like survival.
Your body is holding on to so much pain. It doesn’t know how to let go of pain; it only knows how to store it. But pain was not meant to be a final stop, but merely a pit stop.
You are confused about how to be a human in this world without being in survival mode. It’s okay to be confused right now, but throughout the journey, you will see that you have always been you. You just have to remember who you were. The you that no abuse could ever harm.
You were born to be a cycle-breaker. You are breaking generational trauma as a parent, but that does not mean your grief disappears. It’s okay to feel a longing for a family you have always wanted.
All these insights are great, but you are probably wondering…
“How am I supposed to learn how to become a gardener and grow beautiful, luscious roses when all I’ve ever done is kill weeds?”
The answer is very simple.
I don’t know.
I don’t know shit about gardening or roses.
But, I do know a few other things, like how grateful I am for how hard you fought to stay alive. Without decades of survival mode, you wouldn’t be able to ponder growing roses today. Thank you.
Truly, thank you.
I also know this transformation of being a weed wacker, constantly fighting problems, to a gardener, intentionally cultivating love and beauty, will take place over many years. This will be a journey. A long, hard, fulfilling journey.
You will learn what being truly means and escape the chains of compulsive achievement, perfection, people-pleasing, and the inability to slow down.
You will move past extremes and choose roads that often meet in the middle, covered in every shade of grey.
Your body will release panic and terror that it was forced to hold during decades of survival. Your body will eventually become a home to you. A safe haven. A refuge you always return to, just like your breath.
You are already doing the work to become a gardener of roses.
You are in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.
You are exactly where you need to be.
xoxo,
Self