Sex and Tea

Dear Self,

A part of you healed when you saw this video for the first time.

Nearly 10 years later and this video still tugs on my heart strings. Not everyone has the privilege of being taught about sex and consent like this video demonstrates, I know I did not. I found this video as an adult, but growing up I was raised to believe:

• You cannot have sex before marriage or you are damaged goods, dirty, and impure

• No man will want to marry you if you have sex before marriage because “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”?

• You should have sex with your husband whenever he wants to (even if you do not want to)

• You need to look good for your husband and agree to have sex often, or he will cheat on you

• You should dress modestly when you leave the home so that you do not “tempt” men

• Don’t start something you can’t finish…

  It is your fault if unwanted sex happens if:

  • you are wearing revealing clothing, (short dress, cleavage showing, stomach showing)

  • you are out late

  • you are walking alone

  • you are drinking alcohol

  • you are using drugs

  • you agree to go to his house

  • you are doing something you know you shouldn’t be doing

I thought this was normal.

I grew up as a child, teenager, and young adult believing these statements were true.

As a therapist and a mother, I cannot imagine saying any of these words to my clients or to my daughter. It is shame, on top of shame, on top of more shame.

Teaching these shameful statements about sex forces people to keep secrets. If you experienced rape or any type of sexual abuse, you were forced to bury the secret or risk being shamed by your own family. Abusers are given even more power within this framework; they become the keepers of your greatest shame.

This is personal.

Sex and consent is a topic I am deeply passionate about because of the reverence I hold for my family lineage. I am the 5th generation of women in my family to experience sexual abuse.

I am the first woman to publicly speak about it.

Even though the women in my family experienced sexual abuse, they still passed down the same shameful beliefs about sex. This seemed wild to me. Why didn’t they share about all the red flags and holes in these beliefs? Why didn’t they openly dialogue about the nuance? But that’s the paradox about surviving sexual abuse. Surviving abuse should sensitize you to it, but being in survival mode is what makes it more difficult to see it in your own life and the lives of others. My family’s survival mode, combined with generational differences of the time period and religious affiliations, made it impossible for them to acknowledge what happened and break generational trauma patterns.

I celebrate my family’s ability to persist throughout many sexual violations.

I hold compassion for my family’s suffering that spans across numerous years.

And now, I honor my family by breaking these generational patterns of sexual abuse.

I honor my family with every step I take along my own healing journey.

I honor my family when I speak openly about sex, consent, and boundaries with my daughter.

I honor my family with every opportunity I have to serve my community as a trauma therapist.

If you, or someone you know, needs help unlearning messages surrounding sex, please refer to these 3 powerful words:

Sex and Tea

xoxo,

Self