It’s Not About The Kids
Dear Self,
I think I was on my fourth parenting book when I realized parenting had absolutely nothing to do with kids and everything to do with me. Every parenting book, theory, concept, and skill went back to the same damn thing: Me.
Tough time accepting when your kids make mistakes?
Welp, turns out you will only accept your kids to the degree you accept yourself.
Upset when your kids don’t make the choices you want them to?
Welp, can you let go of the relentless urge to make your kids an extension of yourself?
Keep yelling at your kids and can’t seem to stop?
Welp, how about you try sitting with your reaction to see what the trigger is, instead of reacting out of frustration when your children trigger a mood in you?
Your child is difficult?
You need to be more patient.
Your child is scared?
You need to be more gentle.
Your child is anxious?
You need to be more comforting.
I could not believe it. There was no way to escape healing myself. This realization led to more realizations about parenting styles during childhood, which eventually led to a realization about generational trauma:
You don’t need to have children to be a cycle breaker; you just need to have courage to go inward and face yourself.
If you learn to regulate your nervous system, you are breaking cycles.
If you leave chaotic, toxic environments and create a safe, loving environment for yourself, you are breaking cycles.
If you learn to trust again after being repeatedly betrayed, you are breaking cycles.
If you unlearn trauma responses and replace them with authentic responses, you are breaking cycles.
If you learn to reach out for help when needed, you are breaking cycles.
If you learn what secure attachment looks like, you are breaking cycles.
None of these actions require having children. Just learning to like who you are opens the gate for generational curses to be broken. Not sure if you already are a cycle breaker? Here’s a little quiz to find out.
Are You a Cycle Breaker?
Do you understand that family does not mean sacrificing your mental health?
Do you stop normalizing toxic behaviors even when everyone around you says, it’s just how they are or that’s just how it is?
Do you acknowledge your feelings instead of avoiding them?
Do you set boundaries even when it is uncomfortable?
Do you choose healthy relationships over familiar dysfunctional ones?
Do you question the way it’s always been?
If you answered yes to most of these questions, then you might already be a cycle-breaker!
Choose kids if you want,
Don’t choose kids if you don’t want,
But always choose yourself.
The next generation will be glad that you did.
xoxo,
Self